Yesterday was one of those days.
One of those days where every flaw seems to be magnified…where Satan strikes at just the right time. Overall, it was one of those days where I completely disregarded who I am in Christ. I sat in bed with this feeling of defeat from my own thoughts. All day I tossed around my fears and worries about this move to Lincoln. I am so, so excited, but moving is tough. Jumping into a new community when you’ve been gone for over a year is tough. Making new friends is tough. Cultivating existing relationships can be tough.
You see, I struggle with what it means to be a good friend. Admitting that is hard. And humiliating. And humbling. And on the days when I’m beating myself up about it, I feel like I’m the only. one. who can’t figure it out. Comparing myself to other people on the internet is always a GREAT idea, by the way… We weren’t created to live this life in solitude. Sometimes that seems like an easier route, but my soul craves relationships. Deep, god-glorifying, genuine, selfless relationships. I’m blessed to have a husband who has seen every rotten part of me and still love me, but when it comes to friendships there is no “I do”. There’s no commitment saying “I’m going to stick it out with you even when it gets ugly and hard.” And that vulnerability is frightening.
So as we pack up our house and prepare to start again, I can’t help but feel frightened/excited to start again. To pick up where we left off in Lincoln. I was blessed to be surrounded by women in Omaha who knew what it looked like to be a good friend. Serving one another, opening homes without them needing to be polished, crying, hugging, praying. I desire a community like that in Lincoln and I pray that the Lord will bless us with it.
I saw the quote above yesterday as people were paying their respects to Maya Angelou yesterday and it stuck out to me. Truman said something similar last night as we were hashing it all out (way past our bedtime). I worry so much about saying the right thing or acting a way that won’t turn anybody off instead of just taking a true, genuine interest in them and what’s going on in their lives. Less of me, always, needs to be my motto.
If you have insight or advice on friendships and finding a good community, I’d love to hear it. Being publicly vulnerable in this way is a little scary, but I’d love to start a dialogue on the topic.
Cheers to a beautiful summer week, Jord.