Pause

by jordanfaeh

rain

There are times where I find myself wishing a camera or written words could do it justice. Wanting to remember what it feels like to hold my baby June and rock her while she sleeps. Or the smile that comes over Penny’s face when Elmo starts to dance. Or the way she runs as fast as she can into my arms and shrieks with excitement when I tickle her until she crumbles. I try, don’t get me wrong. I try my darndest to bottle every sweet moment up with a quick photo or by jotting something down in my journal, but these moments are beyond that.

I so badly want to remember everything. I don’t ever want to forget Penny’s broken language–talking a million miles with only an occasional word I understand. Or the fact that when June smiles her entire body gets excited and she loses her balance. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about the way Penny trots through the house, always on a mission.

I should be sleeping. I just put June back down after her (hopefully only) middle-of-the-night feeding. She sat sleepy in my lap as she drank her last few drops of her bottle (praise The Lord, she’s taking one now) and slowly curled into my chest. I held her close and rested my lips on her head, feeling the teeny tiny strands of hair that she has as she let out the most adorable, content, my-tummy-is-full sigh. That’s what I wish I could keep forever.

Penny does this thing we call “go talk.” We lay flat on our stomach and she gets right in our face and tells us stories about her day (or random things she remembers). Tonight, she went on and on about her day at the zoo. Riding the horse “gus” and and riding the “loud choo-choo.” She also has certain memories that she’ll repeat each night like how she one time ate pizza that was “too hot!” and how she went to the park with her friend Nettie. We give her our undivided attention and she LOVES it. The way she lays there next to me, staring straight into my eyes, makes me feel like I’m having a conversation with a teenager. She’s growing so fast I just want to pause. I had her close her eyes and fold her hands to say prayers. I decided to let her pray just to see what she would do. I said “Penny pray! What do you want to pray for?” She spoke is this really soft, sweet voice. Mumbling everything and saying it really gently. I couldn’t understand anything but the word “horsey.” She then made me sing the Elmo’s World song over and over, trying to sing along herself and giggling with excitement. It was hard to leave her bed. I wanted to just live in that moment for a while without it fleeting so quickly.

My words are failing me and I’m having a hard time articulating the privilege that it is to be the mother to two incredible little girls. I will continue to do everything I can to indulge in the stage they are in, unashamedly so. Always wishing I could pause time and linger in the moment a little longer, but always finding more joy than I thought possible as we move along and make more memories.

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