I pay attention to every moment, wondering if that contraction was the start of labor or just another “practice” contraction. I go to sleep wondering if I’ll wake up with terrible back cramps like I have with both girls. I wonder if my water will break when I’m randomly running errands. Our home is filled with hints that a little baby is coming soon. And yet my daily responsibilities still demand my attention, bringing a welcome distraction.
There has also been a part of me that doesn’t want to say goodbye to pregnancy. I know it sounds a little crazy. I won’t necessarily miss the aches and pains and sleepless nights with frequent bathroom trips, but I love being pregnant. I feel beautiful and womanly when I’m pregnant. I love having a belly to rub my hands over and feel tiny feet pushing against me. I’m very excited to meet and hold our baby girl, but a part of me is sad that this stage is ending. So even though I’m anxiously awaiting her arrival, I’m enjoying my last few days of carrying her so close.
Since I am nearing the end of this pregnancy, I wanted to try and capture a few photos of the baby bump and the girls. I anticipated that it wasn’t going to be easy, and it wasn’t. 🙂 At this age the last thing they want to do is sit still and smile at a camera especially when they are at a park. So unfortunately we didn’t get many photos but it was still a beautiful evening and it was fun to watch them run around and chase each other.
Last night I was hit with an overwhelming sense of fear. I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ve always struggled with letting go of my need for control. Labor and delivery is about completely surrendering that need and trusting your body to do what it was created to do. You would think on the third time I would be a little better at this, but here I am still having to remind myself of that reality. I was letting my thoughts get away from me with fears and worse-case scenarios when I felt the Holy Spirit remind me to pray. To quit holding onto these burdens like they are part of the deal and just lay them at His feet. So I stayed up way too late talking to God and journaling and creating my birth playlist with a set of headphones attached to my belly while baby girl bounced around. It always feels so good to be reminded that God intervenes. He already knows the outcome and I have to choose to let that be enough.
Parenting, like labor, is a continuous reminder that I am not in control. I can choose how I respond, but ultimately I have to surrender and let the power of God do the work. So that’s what I’m focusing on each day until our little one decides to join the family.
P.S. Here is the link to my birth playlist if you care to have a listen. I suggest putting it on shuffle.