A New Year

by jordanfaeh

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// Dress (Zara) Boots (Old Navy) //

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It has been almost three months since I have even touched this online space of mine and I think the longer you wait the harder it is to begin again. Over the past few months, my mind has been overcrowded with thoughts and ideas and emotions that I want to share but haven’t had the time or energy to type out. Even now, I found myself fumbling on how to organize my thoughts and turn them into cohesive paragraphs but I have to start somewhere so here we go…

I remember laying in bed during my third trimester and feeling this overwhelming fear of what the next season was going to bring. Three kids under three. So many diapers and meltdowns and car seats and germs and on top of that I was supposed to have a baby attached to my breast every two hours! (Honestly, I don’t really like nursing at all but I do it and that’s a whole other topic for another time.) Don’t get me wrong–I was so, so happy to be having another child and I have always wanted a big family but the postpartum/newborn season has always been a tough one for me and I knew we were approaching that.

Life with three kiddos has been just as I expected–full of joy and chaos and messes and noise. Leaving the house has become increasingly difficult and it’s a rare occasion when I can shower and put on real clothes. It’s hard. I’ve ugly cried more than once and I’ve lost my cool way too many times (our neighbor below us can vouch for that). My own comforts of personal style/hygiene and hobbies have taken a backseat and I’m walking the fine line of sacrifice and identity crisis. Satan reallllyyy likes to creep in there, by the way. On the other hand, I’m experiencing a newfound joy for caring for my family and my home and I’m being sanctified on a daily hourly basis.

Winter always causes me to ask deep questions. I’m stuck inside with my thoughts and I have to fight to keep perspective and preach truth to myself. When the new year came, I made long mental lists of things I wanted to change or work on. Break the sugar addiction and care for my tired body, study the art of homemaking, build my blog, focus on my marriage, be present for my kiddos, start my business idea… but I also found myself asking the BIG question “what’s the point?” What’s the point of making an effort in my appearance? What’s the point in having a stylish, well-kept home? What’s the point in taking the time to write down my thoughts when there are TONS of people doing a better job than I am? Suddenly I feel like Zoolander staring into the puddle on the ground asking “who am I?!” I don’t have the answers to most of these questions (and more) but I’m certain that they are here because God has something to teach me.

I love what I do and I’m thankful that I get to do it. This heavy season brings me to my knees but that’s exactly where I need to be. I have big ideas and big ambitions but for now, I’m content to be elbow-deep in a sink of soapy water while my husband strums his guitar and my children build towers with their blocks. There is a sweetness in this chaos and I’m so thankful for it.

Cheers to starting somewhere,

J.

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