Signs of Hope

by jordanfaeh

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Tiny greens are starting to sprout from the cold ground, the chirping birds greet me in the morning, and I even heard someone mowing their lawn the other day. I feel my heavy soul sigh in relief. Winter is always a very tough season for me and this year has been especially hard as I learn to juggle three kiddos. I’m always torn with how much to publicly share on this space because I think privacy is necessary in our day and age, but there are times when I read someone’s honest words via the internet and feel like someone is wrapping their arm around me and saying “you’re not alone”.

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 // Hat (American Eagle–similar) Turtleneck (Urban Outfitters) Skirt (Target) Shoes (DSW) //

The best way I can describe this season is “dry”. I feel like a rag that has been twisted and tugged on until it doesn’t have one lousy drop. I have little ones who need so much from me, but oftentimes it feels like I have nothing left to give. I have felt distant from the Lord and I feel alone even though I’m always surrounded. I do what I can to “fill my cup” by taking bits of time for myself (i.e. a shower or 20 minutes to read), but right now it feels like there is a tiny hole in the bottom of my cup so no matter how hard I try to fill it, it always seems empty. It’s funny how when I’m at my lowest points, I try to take matters into my own hands and dig myself out of my hole by sheer will. It never works. And I usually end up deeper than I began. I have a hard time floating in God’s grace, especially when I don’t feel Him, because it means I have to give up control. Or the illusion of it, anyway.

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But that’s the thing. A relationship with Christ isn’t dictated by feelings, it’s grounded on truth. Relying on my hormonal, up-and-down emotions is a dangerous and fickle thing. I actually shed tears over my sunglasses broken in half by one who will not be named, for goodness sake! I went to the bathroom to cry the other day when my baby spit up (AGAIN) on the only pair of jeans that fit me and I didn’t want to wear sweatpants again. Needless to say, my emotions are a tad unstable and letting them define whether God is near is a terrible idea.

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So I’ve been working through my Lent study and reading a new book, even on the days when I don’t feel like it, and God gave me this tiny drop of water: The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love (Psalm 103:8). I’ve read that verse a million times but it spoke so loudly to the place I’m in now. I looked up the word steadfast to get a deeper understanding of the text. To be steadfast is to be firm and unwavering, devoted, committed, steady, constant. The Bible talks about God’s steadfast love over and over again. It beats it into your brain, your God is steady and unwavering, he does not change. Meditating on this was so comforting to me. Even when I’m feeling like a hot mess, even when it seems like I can’t control my emotions, even when I’m feeling alone and numb, my God is standing firm.

I know that it won’t always be this hard. I know our family will find a rhythm again one day. And even before we do, there will be small joys that carry us through. I will continue to fight the enemy and the lies he feeds me on a daily basis and I will seek the Lord and sit in his firm grasp. I plan to spend much of this spring focusing on what it is that brings me joy. For the last three years, I have thrown myself into the sacrifice of taking care of my children and even though they are a true joy and I feel called to care for my family first and foremost, it has taken a toll on me mentally and physically. I plan to spend a lot of time contemplating what it is that brings me joy, fills my cup, and makes me who God created me to be.

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What are some things that rejuvenate you? Whether you’re a mother or not, it’s really hard to be an adult and still feed your passions. I hope that no matter where you are (both geographically and internally) you are finding a peace with the changing season.

And on a slightly unrelated note, I cannot get enough of this album. This song, in particular. Enjoy.

Cheers, Jord.

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